I don't want to be alone anymore
by Katt006
Summary: (1xR) Heero has trouble coming to terms with the future Epyon had shown him and realizes that he's pushing away everyone who cared for him.


Yet another Heero and Relena fic. This one is based when Heero returns to the Cinq kingdom after he first piloted the Epyon. (Ep34) A deep fic dealing with inner-conflict, I've also entwined some lyrics from a song in here too. Please R/R!!! ^_~ 

_"I don't want to be alone anymore."_

_By Katt006_

_Song used: 'Duvet' by Boa_

The blood-red suit stood motionless within the Hangar. The pilot sat motionless within it's cockpit, reminiscing on his recent experience, the insights that the Epyon had shown him, his life, his future, his death. It didn't bare any promise. Could he change the path shown to him? Or was it his destiny to walk the path of a horrible future, to pay for his wrongdoings?

He would die alone. Never loving, never caring, never actually living. Alone, as it always had been, as it always will be. 

_And you don't seem to understand_

_A shame, you seem an honest man_

_And all the fears you hold so dear_

_Will turn to whisper in your ear._

_'What if my life were different?' _He opened the hatch and stumbled out to face several ground crewmen, staring in awe at the pilot's new machine. But this wasn't just a machine, it thought, it knew, it manipulated. One of the men finally pulled his eyes from the Gundam to the staggering figure heading towards the staircase leading down from the Access Bridge. "Hey man you don't look so hot. Maybe we should get you a medic." He voiced his concern, walking briskly to catch up.

"I'm fine" Heero murmured coldly in an attempt to shun his follower.

"No you're not. You're as pale as a ghost and can barley keep standing, let alone descend this flight of stairs."

Heero paid no heed and began to walk down them, leaning heavily on the railing for support. The crewman reached out to offer support, but the pilot shook him away angrily. "I told you I'm fine." He growled finally reaching the bottom and making for the exit. Reaching the doors, they hissed open and Heero found himself face-to-face with the Princess.

"Heero?" Relena worried at the look of her friend, his traumatised features, ragged breathing and the way he leant heavily against the wall for support. "What's wrong? What happened out there?" She asked, concern heavily evident in her voice. 

"I'm just tired." He lied, not wanting to worry the girl. "I'll be alri…" He didn't finish what he was saying. The world went black and he sank heavily to the floor.

---

Heero stood, surrounded by a horrific scene. Horrific to most, but not to him. He had come across scenes like this his whole life, created scenes like this himself. The aftermath of a battlefield, it was night, he stood among ruins of what appeared to be a stone castle, completely obliterated save for several upstanding walls and fallen slabs of stone. Dead people littered the ground in all directions, adults and children alike. Cities burned in the distance, the rising smoke almost completely obscuring the sky allowing only the moon to shine through. He walked through pools of blood and sat upon one of the fallen walls, craning his neck to look at the sky. Apart from the moon, a single star existed. Dull, small, Alone.

_And you know what they say might hurt you_

_And you know that it means so much_

_And you don't even feel a thing._

_'All these people, tears will be shed for their loss, people care for them…' _He looked down from the sky to his hands, covered in blood. _'When I die, would tears be shed for me?'_ He closed his eyes and clenched his hand into a fist. _'No…' _

_I am falling_

_I am fading_

_I have lost it all_

He gazed back up into the night's sky and to the lonely star struggling to be seen through the haze. 

"I don't want to be alone anymore."

---

Relena sat in the chair beside Heero's bed. Since he had collapsed the medics had taken him to the Estate's medical bay. It was a single large room consisting of eight beds evenly spaced along the walls. It was well into the midnight hours and everyone had left save for Relena who convinced the nurse into letting her stay. The main lights were turned off and only a small dim light illuminated the far end of the Room where she accompanied the unconscious pilot. 

She slumped in her chair, eyelids heavy and her body demanding that she sleep. However she was kept keenly awake by Heero's indecipherable murmurs and occasional stirring.

"I don't want to be alone any more." Came the pilot's soft plea. 

Relena's head jolted up at this and she looked at the sleeping pilot with deep concern and pity. She leant close and reached out to stroke his face. 

---

Heero continued to sit upon the stone wall, tense. Suddenly aware that there was someone behind him. Leaping to his feet he whirled around to face the intruder. Before him stood a figure in shadow, even though fully doused in the dim moonlight filtering through the smoky sky, the person's features could not be seen and continued to remain stubbornly undistinguishable. The figure took several steps forward, closing the gap between the two and reached out for Heero. 

Acting on military reflex Heero lashed out at the stranger and sent it sprawling out on the ground several feet away. It withered in pain before slowly disappearing. Heero was left to stare at the spot where it formally lay, alone once again.

---

Surprise and shock took Relena as Heero's fist caught her in the side of her face. She stumbled backwards and tripped over her chair before collapsing to the cold floor in a tangled heap. The sound of her fall jolted Heero from his fitful dream. He sat bolt upright, breathing heavily, instantly alert. His eyes trailed down to the girl on the floor, slowly propping herself into a sitting position. Then he looked down at his own hands, no longer stained with blood but still just as threatening. His eyes widened as realisation hit him of what he had just done. "Relena…I…" He stopped himself, not being able to find the words.

Silence followed as neither spoke.

The princess managed to set the chair back up and resat upon it, wincing as she softly rubbed her cheek. He made eye contact. Her innocent eyes, soft yet able to easily penetrate through his soldier's mask. He tensed, feeling vulnerable, exposed. 

_And you don't seem the lying kind_

_A shame that I can read your mind_

_And all the things that I read there_

_Candle lit smile that we both share _

"Heero." She finally said, removing her hand to reveal the darkly bruised cheek. But she smiled, showing no hard feelings. 

Heero averted his eyes. "I'm… I'm sorry Relena." He said barley above a whisper, reaching up to brush his fingers lightly over her cheek. She reached up and closed her hands over his. Squeezing it comfortingly.

"Heero, I want to know what happened to you on that last mission. I want to know what's wrong. You seem… different and you have a haunted look in your eyes."

"Nothing's wrong." He replied all too quickly. Snatching his hand back from hers. 

Relena was not put off by his tone. Now confirming that something was clearly not right. But she wasn't going to force him. Knowing that he was just as stubborn as she was. "Look, if there is anything you wish to talk about please feel free to confide in me. You can't keep on fighting alone."

_I am falling_

"I don't need anybody. I haven't in the past and I'm not about to now." He said in his usual cold tone.

"That's not what you said to me in your sleep." Relena pointed out. 

_I am fading_

"I've come this far with only myself haven't I? And so I will continue to fight alone till my death." At this statement vivid memories flooded back to him, memories of that the Epyon had shown him. His mask faltered and Relena saw the silent plea in his eyes.

_'Is this Heero talking or the Soldier?'_

_I am drowning_

"You look like you need rest Relena." His mask instantly fell back into place once he noticed that he had shown too much. "You should leave."

It was a dismissal and Relena knew it. "No." She objected. "I wish to stay here with you."

_'I'm so close to reaching through to him…'_

_Help me to breathe_

She was breaking all his barriers and Heero was all to aware of it. "Just leave." He said in a more loud and forceful tone. "I don't need your consolation." 

Not wanting to push him any further Relena reluctantly stood and headed for the door. When her hand reached the handle she turned to face him. "Please let me help you Heero. You don't have to be alone any more." She said before finally making her exit.

_'I've pushed her away…'_

Thoughts rushed back to previous events, Relena, the figure, the concerned crewman, the other Gundam pilots…

_'I push everyone away…'_

He looked over to the closed door that Relena had previously exited. And realised that he was alone again.

_'I didn't want you to leave. I don't want to be left alone again…'_

_I am hurting_

_'I need you Relena.'_

"Relena!" He called out, voice echoing off the deserted hallways till it reached the Princess. Without a second thought she instantly whirled around and almost ran back the way she came. 

"I don't want the path Epyon showed me." He whispered wrapping his arms around himself. " I don't believe in fate. I can't keep going on like this. I can't keep fighting alone."

_I have lost it all_

Relena practically burst back into the room and walked back to his bedside. The mask was completely gone now, and Relena locked eyes with him. "I'm here Heero."

There was a long silence before the pilot finally spoke. "I don't want to be alone anymore."

_I am losing_

No more words needed to be spoken. She sat on the edge of the bed and gathered the soldier in her arms. Rubbing his shoulders soothingly. He rested his head on her chest and closed his eyes, willingly drifting back into sleep.

_Help me to Breathe_

---

Heero was back on the abandoned battlefield. It was still pretty much the same. But he wasn't surprised, his life would always consist of a battlefield. Again seated upon the collapsed wall, deep in thought, he looked up back into the night sky. The fires in the distance had receded and the sky was almost devoid of all smoke. Now, in its place shone seemingly millions of bright stars sprayed in a magnificent montage of pinpointed lights in all directions. But amidst the beauty two distinct stars shone the brightest both close and beaming off the light they fed each other. Heero then realised that one of them was the same dim and lonely star he saw before, now so bright amidst the millions of others.

And he wasn't alone anymore…

END 

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Website: www.angelfire.com/gundam/terminal/index.html 


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